in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
two words: eviction party
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
