Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
