i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
