I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
