this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
