3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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