It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
