Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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