Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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