I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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