My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
