worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
