Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
