I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
