Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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