Banned from zoo.
Again?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
