He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You pole danced in your parka.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
