I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
