You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
