Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
