im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
