I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
