he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
