Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
