If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
