just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
time to smoke my breakfast
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
