Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
