the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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