I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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