Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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