dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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