Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
