Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
