My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
