nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
