I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
