I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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