hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
When are your genitals available?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
