Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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