whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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