Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
