So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
