You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
