at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
