I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
