I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
North Korea, Best Korea!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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