Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
