I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
