We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
