the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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